Jesusfuckingchrist, I can't EVEN believe I'm falling into the SAME trap AGAIN. Ya know, I've grown extremely tired of my emotions in general. Its either COMPLETELY wrong or WAYYY too over-reactive. Here's the thing: I KNOW I am falling for the completely wrong girl, and I can't do anything about it. I have as many strikes against me as possible. 1: She has me in the bullshit "friend zone". 2: There's SOOOO much emotional baggage that even IF she would get with me, I know I would be getting hurt on a consistant and daily basis. And for some strange reason, I ALWAAYYYYYYYYSSS gravitate towards that kind of situation. Maybe, I like the abuse. I guess. I'm just so sick of it all. Whats worse is that I SEE it coming. I can see the awkward situation coming from a mile away, and it's all I can do but to sit there and feel nauseated in anticipation of the heartbreak. God I'm so tired of this. Look, if by some miracle of God, this journal reaches the eyes of the girl I'm speaking of, I want to take this opportunity to explain something. Yes, I really do think you're special. Yes, I like you alot (way more than I should considering how long I've known you). Yes I've noticed you're not responding to me (THAT has been ringing LOUD and CLEAR). Yes I do belive that things could work out between us. BUT, here's the thing, DO NOT for an instant think that I will fall prey to this game of silence. Don't disappear and ocassionally resurface just to give me the ILLUSION that we're still friends who can be comfortable in eachothers presence. Don't mistake my emotions for weakness. I can, and WILL forget your existance if necessary. Of COURSE I don't want to do that, but I do have SOME pride, and will only put up with this uncertainty and uncomfortable emotions for so long. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as the asshole here, but I'm just trying to protect myself. This isn't the first time I've been in this situation. And with the way things keep going, I don't think this'll be the last. God, I'm just Soooooooooooo tired of being sick and tired. Thats why I seem so jaded. But, I digress, if you ARE reading this, please let me know the deal. I can handle it, just so long as you don't keep me in the dark. Thank you for reading this. Goodbye.........